I think I can, I think I can, I know I can't!
How did it start? Well, I lost the Paleo Challenge. I didn't just lose, I was found wanting, monstrously so. Indeed I shaved time off of my WOD, tons of time in fact. I was the first to finish in my heat! It felt great, the recovery was almost instant, I couldn't have been more pleased with the improvement in my physical strength. But when those "Before & After" photos hit my Inbox I cried. EVERYONE looked different. Many were akin to those changes you see on late night infomercials for diet programs. But my photos? I really can't say there was marked improvement. Everything looked the same, in the same places. My stomach doesn't look like I've been doing anything over the past 2 months. Should I have just continued sitting around and frequenting the Froyo shop? Visual evidence seems to suggest so.
This was crushing. I put off commenting on it to let myself have a chance to gain prospective. All that has happened is a considerable dive in self-confidence and satisfaction. WTF diet have I been on? What were these people eating? We all do the same WODS so I must have f'd on the eating, but HOW? I thought I had this mastered?!!?!?! I really can't convey my disappointment well enough. I'm frustrated and flustered.
Looking around it feels like every fat girl has changed herself completely! Sarah Rue, whom I adore, has gone from being the classically cast fat girl to a sex kitten. And she only lost 50lbs? I've lost 80, why don't I look anything like her by now? Let's not even talk about the unmatchable beauty of svelte Jennifer Hudson! Now even vocal goddess Adele has slimmed down. Last night I had a "nightmare" that Adele's stomach was featured in her video "Rolling In The Deep'" looking flat and slightly defined. I woke up this morning to Google images of said new body only to realize I'd imagined it all. And was jealous, of a dream <---cuckoo! But seriously. I don't understand. How am I failing??? And as in any case in which I find myself not winning, I rebel with outright failure. If I'm not good at something I don't care to try. Which is probably why I found myself eating sugar-laden frozen dairy products and WHITE BREAD at midnight. It. Didn't. Even. Taste. Good. *golf clap* I don't just fall off the wagon folks, I jump off of it and run in the opposite direction.
I decided that today I would recommit myself to eating clean, hitting the workouts hard, and incorporating even more IF's. Today's IF was to last until dinner tonight. But since I f'd up my happy chemical balances by shoveling crap into my gullet the hunger pangs hit by mid-morning and I ate some tuna curry and dried fruit. So yay for failing on yet another goal.
I just want to have a nice figure, why is it so damn hard? It shouldn't be this difficult to attain a pretty body! I don't want to be Megan Fox, more like Kate Winslett.
Seems I have three options:
a) give up and go eat myself to be the size of a house
b) accept the improvements acheived up to this point and live with the nasty remnants
c) keep trying and hope beyond reason (it's seeming) that things will change
Only one of these is an acceptable course of action. Damnit.